THE CANADIAN PRESS
I am a big fan of Christmas. I understand it’s a stressful time of year where you end up spending way too much money in overcrowded malls that feel more like Lord of the Flies as parents fight over the latest ‘Frozen’ paraphernalia. Your weight goes up, you have to spend time with shady family members and it takes you until Valentine’s Day to clean your floor of stray Christmas tree needles.
On the other hand, it is also a time to get together with friends and family members that you actually do like; you get some time off from work and get to consume more turkey and egg nog that you can shake mistletoe at (by the way, if you don’t like egg nog please leave your home address below so we can meet up and fight*).
There are two other great aspects to the holidays: the movies and yes of course the giving and receiving of gifts. It’s these last two elements I want to focus on today. Because I like heaping extra work on myself, I have put together nine Christmas movies that I think best represent each CFL franchise. Also as I am in the giving spirit, I would like to give one gift to every team to help them for the 2015 season.
Calgary Movie: ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’
I dedicate my favourite Christmas movie to the Calgary Stampeders. Both endings were heartfelt and emotional. We all remember George Bailey clutching his family together realizing all his dreams come true. I dare you to watch the ending and not get a bit emotional. Well, the ending for the Stampeders was just as emotional for all the players and coaching staff that got to shake off many years of playoff disappointment.
Near the end of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ it looked bad for George after Mr. Potter stole all the money. Contrast that with the final moments of the Grey Cup where it looked bleak for a brief moment for Calgary as Brandon Banks raced for the end zone. Well, just like George got help from Clarence, his guardian angel, Calgary got some help from a silly block that was correctly penalized.
Finally, just like we wondered throughout if George Bailey would leave Bedford Falls, we’re also wondering if John Hufnagel would leave Calgary. In both cases they decided to stay. The only difference is Dave Dickenson was only happy about one of those outcomes.
Calgary Gift: Brett Jones re-signs
Maybe the most coveted free agent in 2015. In just his second year Jones was named the league’s top rookie in 2013 and the league’s top offensive lineman. He’s only 23 years old, was healthy for the entire season and was part of a unit that dominated just about every offensive category and allowed just 26 sacks on the season, the lowest total in the CFL. He won’t last a second on the open market.
Edmonton Movie: ‘Die Hard’
First off yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie. You hear ‘Christmas in Hollis’ by RUN-D.M.C. when John McClane is in the limo heading over to the Nakatomi Plaza for his wife’s (they are not yet divorced) Christmas party.
Bruce Willis reminds me of head coach Chris Jones. Both were kind of well known before ‘Die Hard’. Bruce from the hit TV show ‘Moonlighting’ and Jones as one of the best defensive coordinators in the league with Montreal, Calgary and Toronto. It was ‘Die Hard’ that put Willis on the map as a legitimate star and it was the 2014 season that proved that Jones was ready to be the lead actor (i.e. Head Coach) of his own CFL team.
Edmonton had gone 11-25 in the two years previous to Jones to 12-6 and a berth in the Western Finals with him. Bruce’s character, John McClane reminds me of Mike Reilly. McClane had to do battle with a horde of European terrorists and the FBI without any shoes as his feet were bleeding after stepping on broken glass.
On the flip side you have Reilly, who for the second year in a row was voted as the “toughest player” in the CFL by his peers. McClane was duel threat eliminating Hans Gruber’s henchman just like Reilly could beat a defence with both his feet and his arm.
Edmonton Gift: An early 2015 season win against Calgary
I promise not to delve too much into the cliché of one team being in another one’s head, but the Eskimos were dominated by Calgary in 2014. They lost three times in the regular season by a combined 26 points and then were blown out in the playoffs by 25 points in a 43-18 loss. The last thing Edmonton wants is that mental block of “we just can’t beat these guys!”
Hamilton Movie: ‘A Christmas Story’
Unexpected, quirky, the main star was quite young and the ending was unexpected. Yup, sounds like both ‘A Christmas Story’ and the 2014 Hamilton Tiger Cats to me. The Tiger Cats gave the starting job to a young Zach Collaros who had never felt the magnitude of being “The Guy” for a franchise. He struggled early after suffering a concussion but once healthy, Collaros developed into a duel threat quarterback carrying the Tiger Cats to one blocking penalty from winning the Grey Cup.
That is a great debut. Ralphie (played by Peter Billingsley) was a relative unknown beyond a couple TV movies and a guest appearance on an episode of ‘Little House on the Prairie’. Ralphie had some trouble early on, ranging from being chased by the local bullies, swearing in front of his father and getting booted down a slide by a sadistic Santa Clause. But he kept his eye on the prize and finally got his Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle and never shot his eye out!
Also, every time I watch this movie I feel like the family home could be right next to Tim Hortons Field. It just has that feel for me.
Hamilton Gift: A brand new contract for Brandon Banks
I didn’t like seeing Banks moping on the sidelines after his punt return touchdown was called back, but he remains Hamilton’s second most important player on offence. It was his 45-yard touchdown catch right before the half that gave the Tiger-Cats life in the Grey Cup. His one-game demolition of the Alouettes in the Eastern Final was breathtaking and along with Andy Fantuz and Luke Tasker, he gives Hamilton more than enough firepower to defend its Eastern Division crown.
Saskatchewan Movie: ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’
Fun Fact: Saskatchewan was the hardest team for me to find a movie to fit with. Fun Fact II: My editors said if I got stuck we could change things up. Fun Fact III: I’m stubborn and spent about two hours flipping between CFL.ca and IMBD.com. Anyway, I’m going with the Grinch, not because the plot mirrors the 2014 Roughriders but rather the town of Whoville is the closest thing we have to Regina.
The most likely fan base to form a circle, hands clasped and singing about their favourite thing would be Roughrider fans about the CFL. Even when the Grinch would steal a Grey Cup away from the good people of Riderville, the citizens would still gather in the city square and sing football songs to a glowing statue of George Reed. As for this past year, well let’s go with the Grinch stole the health of Darian Durant in front of Cindy Lou Who.
Saskatchewan Gift: A shiny new contract for Weston Dressler
Hey Roughriders, if you want to see the people of Whoville suddenly grab pitchforks and torches, let Dressler sign with another team. Trust me, every other fan base would love to have Dressler on their respective teams. I’m right now envisioning a punt return package of Dressler and Chad Owens, which would be a Christmas miracle for Argonauts fans.
Montreal Movie: ‘Fred Claus’
Let’s see, ‘Fred Claus’, an underrated and often overlooked Christmas movie. The 2014 Montreal Alouettes were an overlooked team after starting the year 1-7. In ‘Fred Claus’, the main character, Fred (A role where Vince Vaughn is allowed to do Vince Vaughn things) is overshadowed by his big brother, Santa, throughout most of the film.
People doubt Fred and don’t think he can do the job until near the end, where he proves he has grown up and can handle the responsibility that comes with delivering millions of Christmas gifts in one night while handling eight difficult to control reindeer.
Jonathan Crompton lived in the massive shadow of Anthony Calvillo and was rarely trusted (yeah, I’m totally guilty on this one) until late in the year when Crompton rallies the Alouettes into the playoffs and even a playoff win. Crompton was aided with another great year from many proven veterans on the Alouettes defence while Fred got help from Paul Giamatti, Kathy Bates and of course Ludacris, all veteran talents in their own right.
Montreal Gift: Bring back SJ Green and the Bear!
With all signs pointing to Duron Carter dipping his toe into NFL waters, it’s imperative that the Alouettes bring back Green, who finished the year on a tear including two 100-yard games against division champ Hamilton. Also, after eight seasons it would be odd to see Green in another uniform. As for the Bear, well, allow me to be Captain Obvious for a moment and say he is key for Montreal’s future.
BC Movie: Gremlins
Gremlins is both wildly mesmerizing and really depressing, all wrapped into a part horror, part action adventure and yes, part Christmas movie. The scene where Phoebe Cates explains why she hates Christmas (I won’t give it away but it involves her father and a chimney) is just such a bummer. Conversely, the buildup to the Mogwai turning into Gremlins and the chase scenes with Gizmo and his owner, Billy Peltzer, versus Stripe are thrilling.
That reminds me of the BC Lions’ season. Solomon Elimimian and Adam Bighill thumping running backs and wide outs was must-watch TV. The same goes for brief moments of dominance by Ernest Jackson and Andrew Harris.
But on the flip side, the Lions ended the year 2-6, including the playoffs with their two wins coming against non-playoff teams in Winnipeg and Ottawa. I think most Lions fans would agree that while the 2014 season was entertaining for many parts of the year, the inconsistency scared you.
BC Gift: A healthy Travis Lulay
This may be the easiest/obvious of all the gifts. With a healthy Lulay at the helm the Lions can compete against anyone. Without him the team is stuck with a revolving door of inexperience and past their prime quarterbacks.
Toronto Movie: ‘Love Actually’
Alright, I bet you’re saying there is no way you can compare this Rom-Com with a football team. Well, you could not be more wrong. ‘Love Actually’ is one of those massive ensemble cast movies with at least 12 recognizable stars. On the football side, did you know that 22 different players caught a pass for the Argonauts (including one for minus seven yards from Ricky Ray)?
Many men will plead ignorance to the best romantic comedy I have ever seen, but I’m betting when it comes on TV more guys watch it than will care to admit. Also, think about it, love is about making a leap of faith that everything will work out well. Considering all that went on with the Argos last season, you need a leap of faith as an Argonaut fan.
Finally, the movie is filled with super friendly people you just want to hug . . . doesn’t that sound just like Pinball Clemons?
Toronto Gift: A new home
In honour of religious movies, I say to the power brokers of Toronto, Ontario and Canada “let my people go!” Please let my Argonauts flee from Rogers Centre and find a more intimate stadium to ply their trade!
Winnipeg Movie: ‘Bad Santa’
I’ll admit that the Blue Bombers are a bit of guilty pleasure for me, just like the hilarious, politically incorrect tour de force that is ‘Bad Santa’. I was a regular guest on the The Big Show for TSN1290 in Winnipeg with Troy Westwood and Matt Leibl, so I paid closer attention to the rollar coaster ride that was Winnipeg.
Let’s consider the story arches of our two protagonists: Willie (Billy Bob Thornton’s second best role behind ‘Sling Blade’) is thrust into action for one more job where everything goes great until he is backstabbed by his partner (Marcus!!!) and eventually is shot about 17 times by the cops. Alright, I’m stretching a bit with this one, but please hear me out!
Drew Willy was thrust into action early on, tabbed right at the start of training camp as the team’s starter by Mike O’Shea. Willy’s season is going swimmingly as the team starts out 5-1. But than Nic Grisgby the team’s leading rusher expressed a desire to be traded, the offensive line gave up 71 sacks and Winnipeg misses the playoffs.
While it may not be equal to a hail of bullets, Willy did take a lot of shots in 2014.
Winnipeg Gift: A new defensive coordinator
Winnipeg gave up the most rushing yards and no team gave up more points than the Blue Bombers. Not surprisingly, Gary Etcheverry was released of his duties as the team’s defensive coordinator. We saw Winnipeg get pushed around throughout the season and it will be up to Mike O’Shea to find the right man to get Winnipeg’s defence on track.
Ottawa Movie: ‘The Polar Express’
True story, I saw this movie a week ago at an 11:00am viewing at a movie theatre filled with children and their parents. I was in the back row with my girlfriend and her sister with a container of mimosa and a flask of baileys for our hot chocolate. I’m 39 years old!
At it’s heart ‘The Polar Express’ is about helping a young boy believe in Christmas. The 2014 season helped the city of Ottawa believe in three down football again with the return of football in our nation’s capital. The movie is gorgeous to watch with an uplifting soundtrack. As for the football team … uh well they’re back in the league which is beautiful in its own right.
Ottawa Gift: Young depth at quarterback
This is not a shot at Henry Burris, who deserves a ton of credit for putting decent numbers with an expansion team. His interception numbers were his lowest since 2011 and at 39 he still managed to be healthy enough for 517 pass attempts. However for Ottawa to grow as a franchise, they need to find their own Bo Levi Mitchell, a sub 25-year-old passer that can grow with the team and with Burris.
—
Well to all CFL fans, I hope all your CFL related wished come true. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, have a fantastic Kwanzaa, happy holidays and any other holiday greetings I may have missed to everyone! It’s not what you celebrate, it is how you celebrate. Wishing everyone the best.
*Just kidding about the fight. It’s Christmas, a time for peace and the fact that you don’t enjoy the glory of egg nog is punishment enough.
