THE CANADIAN PRESS
Oh hello there Winnipeg Blue Bombers fans. Please grab a stale donut and a cup of coffee and have a seat. I know this is tough for you to digest considering how great you guys looked in the first six weeks of the season, but your team is not making the playoffs. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.
Hey at least you (probably) have your quarterback of the future in Drew Willy. That’s more than can be said for the other people here in this room, Ottawa REDBLACKS fans, who have been dealing with the non-playoff reality for much longer.
| Down to the wire |
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Tthe regular season race for the playoffs is coming down to the wire, especially in the East, where three teams enter Week 20 in contention but only two will make the playoffs. |
I’ve brought you in here to go over how best to deal with the fact that there will be no post-season excitement for any of you this season. Consider this a viewer’s guide on how to best survive the 2014 playoff season.
Now I know this may be hard for you to believe, but this is not the end of the world. In fact, right now can be quite liberating for you nervous sports fans. For the next month you have nothing to worry about! You can just sit back and enjoy the fear and neurosis from other fan bases, players and coaching staff. So to everyone in this room, put on your jerseys and consider all the insecurity and anguish you no longer have to experience. To make these easier we’re going to divide it into two categories:
1. Let’s have fun at the expense of other fan bases!
2. Awesome actual football storylines to follow.
We’ll get the mean stuff out of the way before moving on the fun stuff on the field. Oh sure, other fans get to be excited about November football; but that doesn’t mean everything is all shiny happy for them. Let’s go through all the teams from top to bottom and what is causing them to lose sleep at night.
1. Calgary
On a serious note, every fan has to worry about the health concerns surrounding Jon Cornish and his latest concussion. The Stampeders were smart to immediately squash any speculation that Cornish would suit up to play the final game of the season. With the rest, Cornish will have until Nov. 23 before he plays again. If you’re a fan, you have the dilemma of both wanting him to play and being concerned about any long-term health implications of Cornish returning before he is truly ready to go. The problem with head injuries is there is no such thing as a 100 per cent guarantee, especially for a player that has suffered multiple concussions.
On the lighter side, Calgary fans are “cursed” with high expectations that come from having the most talented roster and the best record. It’s far easier to watch your team when no one expects greatness — every win is a great surprise. Calgary is expected to win. Since winning the Grey Cup in 2008 Calgary has averaged 12 wins a year (CFL high) with no Championship to show for it. Three times they were bounced in the first round of the playoffs, while twice, including last year, those losses came at home as the clear favourite.
Can’t you just feel the pressure of weighty expectations just hanging on both the players and the fan base? Do you know who is not dealing with that? You Blue Bombers and REDBLACKS fans! You can just sit back and enjoy Calgary fans squirm. Remember, no one ever expects anything from your teams! … Wait, that sounded mean — let’s just move on.
| 2014 CFL Playoffs: Always better live! |
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The playoff picture may not be entirely cleared up, but that doesn’t mean you can lock up your 2014 CFL Playoff tickets! Reserve your seats today to see the action up close and personal.
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One final thing, remind any Calgary fan that Bo Levi Mitchell has not topped 300 yards in a game since Week 1 and, over the past four weeks, he is averaging under 190 yards with just six touchdowns and four interceptions. To make matters worse, three of those games came against some poor defensive units in Toronto and Winnipeg.
2. Edmonton
How do you shut up a group of fans that can squawk about being the hottest team in the league right now? To be honest, this one is difficult. Everything is rosy in Edmonton right now with its remarkable turnaround, spearheaded by Chris Jones and Mike Reilly. The best I’ve got is you need to remind them that Reilly has zero playoff experience and that Calgary has owned them this year. Also, you know many fans are wondering if this is all too good to be true with memories of 4-14 still dancing in their head.
3. BC Lions
Imagine if you’re a Lions fan right now. Beyond watching Solomon Elimimian destroy everything he sees, just what is the identity of this team? It looks less like a football team and more like an episode of ‘M*A*S*H’ (if you are under 32 please Google), with injuries to not just starters but to stars in Travis Lulay, Andrew Harris, Courtney Taylor and now Adam Bighill.
You’re looking at an All-Star team sidelined! That’s the one good thing about rooting for a team that isn’t in the playoffs — you usually don’t have that sort of blue chip talent in the first place so you’ll never know what it feels like to loss a big time All-Star. See, don’t you feel better now REDBLACKS fans?
Enjoy watching BC Lions convincing themselves that an offence led by the revolving door of Kevin Glenn and John Beck can get it done in the postseason. It’s one thing putting up numbers against Winnipeg and Ottawa; it’s another to do it on the road in the playoffs.
4. Saskatchewan
It’s hard to feel bad for any group of fans whose team won the Grey Cup a year earlier, but imagine the stress of keeping up with every medical and throwing update for Darian Durant. Just think about the time that is being spent by that crazy fan base as it monitors every throw by Durant, while listening to the coaching staff do its best to temper expectations of his soon to be glorious/miraculous return.
When they’re not doing their best playing arm chair Doogie Howser, they’re clinging to the idea of a 41-year-old quarterback who has come out of retirement carrying their team back to the Grey Cup. I haven’t been around that much self-delusion since the last time I attempted to weigh myself.
5. Montreal
Lost in the glow of the team’s resurgence is the quiet truth that Jonathan Crompton is still not an overly dependable passer. I look at him like a better version of Ricky Foggie — he’ll win you a bunch of games, and he will look ugly doing it.
Crompton checks multiple verbiage boxes. The dude is “gutty”, “a gamer” and of course a “winner”. But he also struggles in many weeks to complete over 50 per cent of his passes. The emergence of Tyrell Sutton and a great defence has carried the day these past two months, but I bet most fans wonder if Crompton has it in him to win a post-season shoot-out.
6. Hamilton and Toronto
Neither of these teams has clinched squat, so really they don’t deserve their own individual slot. I can tell you that as a Toronto resident, the idea that our hopes of making the playoffs require help from Montreal just seems wrong. We’re dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde offence and defence where we have no idea what to expect week in and week out, plus the reality that the expression “concussion symptoms” is now linked with Ricky Ray.
In Hamilton I imagine everyone in the city is concerned that if the Tiger-Cats miss the playoffs, that would lead to Kent Austin’s head literally exploding, leaving a 20 mile atomic crater from which no life could survive.
All right, now that I’m done trying to raise the insecurity levels of all other fan bases, it’s time to go positive. So to you fans of Winnipeg and Ottawa, put aside your disappointment and bitterness and consider the following fun storylines that are all in play!
1. Bo Levi Mitchell and Mike Reilly battling it out for best quarterback in the West.
2. The growth of Duron Carter into a legitimate All-Star receiver, and Ernest Jackson wanting to prove what you saw in Weeks 16 and 18 (16-344-2) is the norm and not the exception.
3. The crazy Eastern Division playoff race. Two teams enter the final week with a chance, only one will come out.
4. The (possible) final hurrah for Nik Lewis
5. Did you see what Kendial Lawrence just did!
6. Saskatchewan and Calgary’s offensive lines creating massive holes for whichever talented running back is on the field.
7. The peaking Eskimos vs. yeah, we beat you three times already Calgary Stampeders.
8. JC Sherritt trying to rip some of the spotlight away from Solomon Elimimian.
9. John Chick getting one on one opportunities versus offensive tackles.
10. The Montreal Alouettes’ defensive swagger.
I could go on, but you get the point.
One final note: for anyone thinking I took pleasure in poking fun of other fan bases during this whole process, remember that I’m an Argonauts fan. There is an excellent chance I’ll be joining all of you good people by Saturday at approximately 7:00pm ET.
