Jeff Piercy
CFL.ca
The aim of my column has always been to try to give the public a glimpse into the happenings of a CFL locker room. Most retired professional athletes say that their fondest memories from their playing days took place off the field, and with their teammates. In my last column I spoke of a few of my favourite pranks pulled on unsuspecting rookies, and I enjoyed reliving the memories so much that I thought I would focus this week on some of my all-time favourite pranks pulled on anyone.
Here we go.
The Peanut Butter Kiss:
“Kissing Bandits” can apparently strike with more than just their lips. When the clothes of a notorious defensive lineman were stolen from his locker, making him late for an important meeting, “the lid came off”. Why Marwan Hage became the primary suspect is a mystery to this day, but the retaliation was swift and severe.
Marwan, who is allergic to peanuts, exited a CFLPA meeting shortly after practice to find all the door handles and locks on his car covered with peanut butter. Unable to clean it off himself, he was forced to have it taken to a car wash by someone else, and washed and polished professionally.
“Fan” mail:
The only thing worse than having your big toe stepped on is having your big toe stepped on by someone with football cleats, losing the nail, and not having an unsuspecting teammate to pull a prank on. Luckily in the CFL there are always teammates to prank. Such was the case recently when a particularly muscular defensive player received a letter in his locker from an adoring fan. The letter read something like this:
“Dear ______,
Hi. I really like your big muscles. How much can you bench press? The doctor said I don’t eat enough protein and that is why my toenail fell off. You can have it.”
And the toenail slid out of the envelope and into his lap.
The Discovery of Red October:
There is a canal in St.-Jean-Sur-Richelieu, which is where the Montreal Alouettes hold their training camp, which runs just south of the practice facility. The canal isn’t exactly flowing with Evian, but players with a propensity to fish usually dangle a hook in there to see what comes out.
On one occasion two kickers pulled a catfish and a prank within an hour of each other. They landed the catfish, put it in a bucket, and raced off towards the training room where they slipped the fish into a cold-tub where it would be hidden beneath a layer of crushed ice floating on the surface. If you think lowering your sore, tired body into a cold tub isn’t bad enough, imagine an 18 inch catfish racing between your legs!
Clipped:
With every game-plan or scouting report we receive in meetings comes a single paper clip. All season long Jesse Lumsden and I have been collecting these solitary paper clips in a lethargic race to fill our binders with them. When one of our colleagues thought he would jump into the race by luring us away from our binders, and stealing our paper clips, he opened a Pandora’s Box that only 600 paper clips could keep closed.
When he got to his brand new Lexus the next day after practice he found every inch of the interior of the car sprinkled with paper clips. 600 to be exact. To this day there is a single paper clip wedged deep under his back window. Practically in the trunk. I hope it hurts the resale value.
Jeff Piercy is in his fourth CFL season. He was a second round pick in the 2005 Canadian Draft.
