Step Brothers
Jeff Piercy
CFL.ca
Step Brothers, the latest film starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, both of Talladega Nights fame, tells the tale of two best friends becoming step-brothers after their single parents wed. The movie is currently sweeping across the nation, having raked in over $63 million in the last two weeks, and has left me wondering which of my friends and/or teammates I could stomach living with.
Please follow along as we weigh the pros and cons of some of the Ti-Cats’, and CFL’s, most notable characters…
First on the list: Ticats Running Back Jesse Lumsden
PROS: The advantages to this arrangement are apparent. Jesse is the owner of an extensive DVD collection, a big flat screen TV, an extra set of golf clubs that he is always willing to lend to someone in need (me), loves stopping at Dairy Queen for Blizzards, and is a “Scene” member so he has lots of credit stored up for free movie tickets.
CONS: The cons here are less obvious, but could wear on some people. Jesse gets to go on Off The Record on TSN all the time, always has media requests and autograph requests from adoring fans, can run as fast as a locomotive, and spends most of his time on the golf course rummaging through the bushes looking for Titleist Pro-V1’s.
THE VERDICT: If you can afford to give him a few Pro-V1’s every round to keep him happy, and don’t need to be the centre of attention, Jesse could be a great step brother.
Next up on the list: Ticats O-Lineman Peter Dyakowsky
PROS: After several discussions with Peter’s current roommate, first overall draft pick Dylan Barker, it seems like Peter would be a great step-bro. He looks after you when you are hurt, is always willing to lend you one of his Conservative Party of Canada T-shirts, loves discussing the environment, politics, or any other subjects where he can drown you with 5-syllable words, and doesn’t mind sharing his strawberry kiwi hair conditioner.
CONS: Peter probably snores.
THE VERDICT: Peter’s XXXL Conservative Party T-shirts may be a bit big, but other than that he could be a great fit.
From the West Division: B.C. Lions left guard, and fellow CFL.ca blogger, Kelly Bates
PROS: Kelly is an 80’s movies expert, runs a summer football camp for schools in the Humboldt, Saskatchewan area (so you’ll always have at least 3 days of summer employment), loves to go fishing (and will tie your hook onto the line if you don’t know how), and is a jolly 300 pounder that loves to laugh.
CONS: When I was 15 I was working the score clock at a men’s league basketball game and Kelly was ejected after putting an opponent in a head-lock. At the time I couldn’t help but wonder how many times his little brother had been in that same predicament. I am wondering that again.
THE VERDICT: If you can get out of a full-nelson, Kelly could be fun.
Today’s final Step-Brother: Me
PROS: I can’t get out of full-nelsons.
CONS: I hate looking for lost golf balls, can’t tie my own fish hooks onto the line, don’t like 80’s movies, don’t use strawberry kiwi conditioner, never put movies back in the right place, and snore about as loud as Peter
THE VERDICT: I think I’d take these guys as step-brothers, but they’d kick me to the curb.
Jeff Piercy is in his fourth CFL season. He was a second round pick in the 2005 Canadian Draft.
